Reliving My Past

Something I finally realized the other day and that is I’ve been trying to live in the past.

In a way because I am turning 50 soon, but because I have so many happy memories with my boys from the past. See I am a active video game player still to this day and I am not ashamed by it. It does not rule me like it use to way back when, but it more healthy and fun.

We have a huge collection of almost every video gaming system and I am one of those kind of people who hangs onto ‘memory attachments’, meaning things from the past that having memories because of it. When I look at something or in this case play the games it takes me back to time when I was young and happy! Not that I am not happy now, but some things can’t be replaced!

I realized this when I was getting ready to play some ‘old school’ video games. I was playing the Sega Dreamcast and I was clearing up the memory cards and I saw a game save from 1998 for my son Michael Jr., this kind a blew me away, as it been a long time!

That when I knew it, that it made sense as to why I’ve been feeling very eager to play the old school games. I was young, my children where young and we bonded and had a lot of fun. Memories run deep!

I didn’t fear turning 40 as some people do, but 50, well that was – is an issue for me!

Thanks for the visit…

The Final Exhale

I feel what the point, I can’t win. I will forever and
always be a loser. Even if I won the lottery, no one would be there for me! No
not me – but for what I can finally often them that they would actually want!

Waiting for time to stop!!! Or at least to be over!

Ever you ever actually felt the stream trickle down your
hand and drip from your fingers.
All before you hit the floor, you can feel….

My time here as been anything, but useful, loving and cared
for! My desire have been a one way street.
Would I be missed even if I had the guts to proceed with this temptation to
enter another realm?

Inhale, then on your exhale I will be forever gone. The
burden with be released and your relief will no longer be overdue!!!

Maybe I have entered that other realm without realizing I’ve
been there all along…

Well I would think on several  levels  above
the  surface of your outer glow. I might
be a speck of some annoyance!

I often wonder what was the purpose of my existence here and
I’ve never come up with a real explanation! As it been repeatedly expressed to
me throughout  my ignorance – the sole
purpose is to hurt!

I am not capable of love, giving or receiving, not do I even
know what real love is.
My failed attempts at such a emotionally and classical mess are nothing less
than a disappointment!  

As, I mentioned repeatedly, I am incapable of love, let
alone knowing what it is. So I ask you as you ponder this pathetic attempt at a
writing , why did I think I could even begin to change who I am from who I
was???

I’ve been in your way the whole time, your life would have
been so much more joyous if I were not in your thoughts. I can only image that
your thoughts were filled with the anxiety of having to deal with me! The next
email, chat, phone call…

To fool you again into my hold on something you no longer
desire! He holds your heart!

Too much to do, not enough time for those that don’t really
matter. Why did I ever consider redemption… Forgiveness is for those that are
capable of love!

Take a deep breath and exhale as much as you can – then you
will finally be free!